An Odd, Shallow Observation
I find my response to multiple pics of the same person both odd and quite possibly shallow. In some of the pics, various people are really hot/attractive. And yet, in other pics they're "run screaming the other way" unattractive. And I'm not talking about Before/After pics or other diametrically opposed situations.

It all seems to depend on A) Smiling (a real smile, not forced or sarcastic) and B) angle of the shot (their "good side").

I'm not really going anywhere with this. I've just noticed that in the new FaceBook layout that my own personal game of "Hot or Not" is more complicated...

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Happiness
Happiness is not a finite commodity. Someone being happy does not mean there is less for you to be happy about.

Likewise, Happiness does not have an anti-matter component. It is perfectly reasonable to be happy and unhappy at the same time. Even the same event can produce both feelings in one person.

You can be happy for someone for a situation that gives them joy, when that same situation makes you sad or frustrated.

The same can be said for Love/Anger. It is possible to love someone and be furiously angry at them at the same time. You'll go crazy, but it is possible.

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I'm in a weird place
On my way in to work I was listening to a podcast that I'd never caught before. It ended up having the net effect of leaving me fairly disillusioned about some things. Nothing terribly major, but I got to work feeling kinda lost. After some conversation to try and identify exactly what was going on, I felt a little better or at least a little more stable.

Then I jumped over to YouTube to rewatch Glee's "Teenage Dream" video for the umpteenth time. I never liked this Katy Perry song, but I really liked this version. [Yesterday, I bought the song from iTunes. I noticed that when I just played the song, I didn't get the same bouncy feeling as from the video.] So where was I? I was watching the video some more this morning...

I was sort of wondering what it was about the video specifically that I liked. As usual, thinking gets me in trouble. I really need to just stop doing it.

Turns out that it's not really the song I like. I do like it, but the audio recording isn't the trigger for the good feelings. I think it's the plot at that point in the episode. Kurt goes undercover to another glee club to spy and report back on the competition level. As the song starts, his expression takes on a sense of wonderment. He's found a place where music, singing, choreography are respected and admired. The people he meets (Blaine) are polite, friendly, and accepting. Kurt looks Happy. Genuinely Happy.

Turns out, that's what's been missing from my life: being happy.

I'm not unhappy; I guess I'm content. Not in a warm, snuggly way - in a "I have a job and a place to live" sense.

My job, what I am paid to do, is to find faults in other people's work. I'm surrounded by people who are fairly bitter and jaded (and they're usually 1/3 to 1/2 my age). I don't have social friends locally (in SD). All of the creative work that used to make me, it's all solo nowadays: writing, creating logos and art for projects that are mine alone.

Turns out that I work best a collaborative atmosphere. Maybe we're not all working on the same aspect of a given project, maybe not even the same project. But having other creative people doing their thing, understanding the process itself, is something that's been missing from my life for far too long.

Right this second, I don't know what to do about it. But I think I've identified the main issue and that awareness should prevent me from backsliding.

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I Can't Draw
This is not news to anyone who knows me. I want to draw. I have awesome pictures in my head that I really want to become reality, but it won't be my hand that makes it happen. Perhaps that's why I was a fairly successful art director - I can communicate fairly clearly what I want in language familiar to the skilled artisan who can do something about it.

Now, I have taken classes. I have tried workshops. I have introduced the right side of my brain to the left and made them shake hands. They abruptly turned their backs on each other, but I did what I could.

And yet, when someone who can draw or who really is into art gives me a suggestion, I'll usually try it. At the very least, I'll give it serious consideration. I don't know, I guess I find it difficult (and a little rude) to be dismissive of someone who's trying to help me achieve something they know I want.

But then again, I have always been my own worst critic. The pages and pages of writing I've thrown away because I think it's crap - it's staggering when I think of it. What's funny is that I used to salvage an old roommate's artwork from the trash when he did the same thing.

Eyes. Beholders. All that.

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Night and Day
First draft of part of the steamtech novel (Gilded Steam):





First part of the fantasy novel (Imperivm):

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What I did
So behind the cut is the current version of what may eb the logo. I found a title page embellishment from the late 1800s and used that as inspiration to draw my own as a vector graphic.
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Thoughts? Opinions?

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Looking for opinions on a logo
So I wanted to get some opinions on a few logotypes I put together for my novel. Some have only minor differences (E & F are mainly changes in the "G" and lower-case letter height). I'll do some texture and embossing techniques later, but I wanted to get some feedback to narrow down the list.

It's a "steamtech fantasy" novel and the current single sentence blurb is: In 1880s America, two estranged half-brothers search for their late father's hidden research laboratory to protect its advanced steamtech from a famous inventor who would kill to bolster his reputation for brilliance.

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Am I Ebil?
So - a guy at work shared some gossip about someone. Interesting stuff, just in an "I'm bored - what's on the Dish Network" kind of way. But, he did it with the air of "I know everything that goes on" that made me raise a metaphorical eyebrow (since I can't do it in real life).

Now, he's a pretty good guy and actually has a very witty streak, but this just made me want to mess with him. So I planted a huge snipe hunt with hints about some large, messy gossip that I may have heard about and he should track down. Everything he asked me was met with a non-comittal response of "maybe/maybe not", "I'm not exactly sure", and stuff like that.

I was even able to get someone else in the room to go along with me (pretty happy with my non-verbal cues on that one).

Does this make me Ebil?

If not, can you guys recommend any other bones I can throw in his path to help him go crazy?

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I had a super awesome weekend!
The problem with super awesome weekends, is that they end. And then almost everything's just the same as it was before. However, I am reminded of a lyric from "Into the Woods." I know, me, reminded of a broadway musical... who would've thought?

I won't bore you guys with which one (but it's in the song "Moments in the Woods"). The point is that during the weekend I made the discovery that I've fallen into a role (or a schtick) at work and let that role become me.

At work, I'm the oldest one in the department - mostly by a lot of years. When I first started, I kept my head down and tried to draw as little attention as possible because the place used to be little more than a frat house without dean. As people got to know me, my age would invariably come up and I'd play into it for laughs: "Get off my lawn you hoodlums!" and so on.

Eventually, it sort of blossomed into my "thing" (grouchy and parental). But yesterday I became acutely aware that I've taken that concept and let it become me. I need to simply get back to the me that loves to laugh and be silly. The difficult part will be finding people I'm comfortable enough to relax around.

The people from yesterday's trip to Disneyland were a great start!

That's what made it so super awesome. It wasn't the rides or attractions at the parks: it was just hanging out with a group of people who all got each other. The nerd level was super high, but it was also super awesome. Everyone's sense of humor gelled, people could make an oblique reference to something and everyone would get it. It's a shame that everyone lives hundreds of miles from everyone else.

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From my Muse
These are the lyrics to Mary Chapin Charpenter's song, The Hard Way. Holly Lisle reccomends them as a blueprint for writing a novel. Sort of what my Muse would tell me - "Get off your butt and do it." I'm gonna go look for it on iTunes, I seem to remember it from the 6 month period I actually liked line dancing...


Show a little inspiration, show a little spark
And show that things that drew me to you and stole my heart
And tell me something I don't know instead of everything I do
And look at me as if I mean something to you
Our hearts are beating while we sleep, but while we're wide awake
You know the world won't stop, and actions speak louder
Listen to your heart, and what your heart might say
Everything we got, we got the hard way

Show a little passion, baby, show a little style
And show the knack for knowing when and the gift for knowing how
And have a little trust in us when fear obscures the path
You know we got this far, darling, not by luck, but by never turning back
Some will call on destiny, but I just call on faith
That the world won't stop, and actions speak louder
Listen to your heart, to what your heart might say
Everything we got, we got the hard way

Caught up in our little lives, there's not a lot left over
I see what's missing in your eyes; you're searching for that field of clover
So show a little inspiration, show a little spark
Show the world a little light when you show it your heart
We've got two lives, one we're given and the other one we make
And the world won't stop, and actions speak louder
Listen to your heart, and your heart might say
Everything we got, we got the hard (everything we got, we got the hard way)
Everything we got, we got the hard way
(Because the world won't stop) hang on, baby...

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Selfworth
Apparently, I invest too much of my self-worth in the perceived quality of my work.

Most of the projects I work on are for someone else - clients. Yes, there are one or two projects I have simmering in the background that are just for me, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

If I work on a graphic design project, I choose colors for specific reasons. I don't randomly pick "red" and "yellow." I'll go for a deep scarlet that leans toward blue so that it conveys a visual relationship with a pale antique gold. If the client comes along and says, "I just had them use 'red'", it destroys the entire look.

If I work on a writing project, I generally choose very specific wording. There are nuances I'm trying to convey that can only be achieved with certain combinations of words and phrases. To have a client (not an editor - I'm talking about someone without a background in any authorial capacity) wantonly trample through my verbiage, seems to be an attack on my value to the project*. I know it isn't - more likely there has been a miscommunication of the project's goal - but I still seem to take it that way.

It's their project, so sure, it can be whatever they want. But since my name is still attached in a specific capacity, I cringe when an outside force simplifies or minimizes a particular effect I'm going for. And I take it personally. Even though I know I shouldn't.


*And yes, I went a little florid there on purpose.

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Dream Post
Yes, I know nobody wants to read anyone's dream post, but I want to remember this one so I'm typing it up.

I witnessed some solar event where the sun flared a yellow-green, then 8 minutes later it went out. For whatever reason, the Earth didn't turn into a snowball, but there was a lot of panic over the next 60 minutes or so. That's when everything went back to normal. There had been lots of suicides, violent attacks, and accidental deaths, and all the people who died during that hour of darkness seemed to be invisible to everyone else when the sun came back.

The dead felt perfectly normal, felt fully corporeal, could interact with each other just fine, and could even see and hear everyone else - but the live people couldn't see, hear, feel, or interact with them.

Now this went on for a little bit and that plot's not so important (I jumped into lava that had popped up for some reason). My thinking about it came up with this: when the sun "went out" is actually when a dimension shift occurred. Another plane was essentially overlaid onto our normal existance, and it took an hour for the planes to adjust to each other. The people who "died", actually just transferred to the other plane.

I'll print this out and stick it in my notebook for further development later.

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Weird Dog Story
So, Bigby is an adopted dog. He was released by his previous owner and while in the shelter, his old name was posted above his kennel - "Lassie" Whatever the reason, that used to be his name.

Steve and I named him Bigby while we were waiting for all the paperwork to clear, so we've called him nothing else since February.

The other night, just to be silly, I called him over and said, "Come here Lassie!" I can't really describe the look he gave me. In human terms it seemed a cross between "Bitch did not!", confusion, and a little apprehension.

Very weird.

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Writers
Quandry

Say an author has a character who is part of minority group X. Could be anything (race, religion, gender, etc); specifics aren't important. The key element is that the author is NOT part of group X.

Here are simplified posts I've seen made by various outraged persons of group X.

The character is a villain - stereotyping!
The character is a hero - you're appropriating a culture you have no right to
The character is just someone who happens to be Group X - you're whitewashing all of our struggles
The character suffers from past treatment of group X - you're trying to stir up antagonism
The character has *any* semblance of traits common to the group - RACIST!
No one from group X appears - you're blatantly ignoring an entire group of people
No characters appear, but they are referred to - you're marginalizing our contributions
No characters appear or are referred to, but description of visual elements (clothing/architecture) are obvious - You're exoticising my people! Cultural appropriation! You murder babies! (okay, the last one hasn't actually been said yet, but that's where it feels like it's going).

*ALL of the above comments have been made at one time or another by the same person.

What the heck is a writer supposed to do?

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And the final result
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What I've been working on this week
Here's phase one of my Halloween costume: a steamtech arm. I haven't done any costuming in about 10 years. Lex and Joe did a lot of work helping to pull this together. Tomorrow, I should end up with some pics of the whole thing. There's also a monocle that goes with it, along with the bowler hat, vest, cravat, etc.

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NaNoWriMo 09 - for me
So, I've ditched any connection to my previous projects and am starting something from scratch.

"In 1880s America, two brothers set out to find their late father's laboratory. Along the way, they find a civilization hidden from mankind, two more siblings, a suicidal airship captain, and a really good steak dinner."

A) I'm going for a lightly comical story. While not on the level of, say "The Colour of Magic", I plan to dial up the funny.

B) I do not use the term Steampunk for this. "Steamtech Fantasy" is where I'm aiming. Various levels of tech play important parts, but it's definitely going to be a character story.

Let's see if I get more than 1,000 words this year.

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Please tell me it's not that pedestrian
So - Saturday and a good part of Sunday were lousy for me. Bear with me, it's a long one (and quite possibly maudlin).

At some point on Saturday I turned on the tv and caught the last 30 minutes of the movie Latter Days. All you need to know is it's a romance movie that goes through some very heavy dramatic elements and ultimately ends on a happy note. True Love and all that.

I've tried for a while to see another movie by the same writer/director, but Blockbuster never has it in: Kiss the Bride (the one with Tori Spelling). I managed to find it on a streaming movie site. It's more of a Romantic Comedy, but involves a lot of highs/lows and reflection of the main characters' lives now and ten years ago (when they were dating).

Since I was on the computer, I surfed for a bit and ended up on my Myspace page that I never look at. I ran across a picture of someone that I had a weird experience with about 11 years ago or so (details not needed for purposes of this entry). He was someone I got along with, a casual friend among several at the time. He had (and apparently still has) this little impish grin that just promises fun, adventure, and surprises. I've always been drawn to people (platonically as well as romantically) that give off that quality.

Anyway, the emotions stirred up by all this started a funk. I ended up going to bed at some ridiculous hour like 7:30. The thoughts running through my head focused on all the cool adventures and little moments of my life. The realization that I don't think I've had anything like that in the past nine years made me wonder... What happens to those characters after the credits?

Do they, like me, grow fatter, sit at home, and wait for it all to just be over? What if my turn at being the main character is over and now I'm just meant to be "guy in coffee shop" in other people's stories? The harder part is I actually like being who I am now - but I really miss who I used to be.

**Edited to add** In my musings, I recalled that the best times in my life were when I was actively creating something with other friends. The USS Republic back in Atlanta, putting together and marching in a color guard show, the old LARP group from Spokane, the college production of Midsummer Night's Dream, the LARP group in Seattle, and so on.**

All the people my age that I know are married, have kids, have responsible jobs, etc. In other words, they're a lot like me and tend not to be involved in projects that take time committments. And I've tried going out once or twice, or getting involved in some sci-fi groups, but they seem to be perpetually the realm of the twenty-something. And it's creepy being the old guy in a group like that.

So, after a lot of thought and talking to Steve, I'm wondering: Is this just a mid-life crisis? Am I really that mundane that I'm starting to be "that guy"? I can't afford a sports car and I have no desire to trade Steve in for a younger model (or any model). And yet, even this morning, I still feel some of the weight I felt Saturday.

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Codeine...
 So, I'm home from work, trying to beat the last of this flu. I've taken a dose of my prescription medicine with codeine and hit the bed for a nap. I fade in and out for an hour or so, then this happens:

First person viewpoint. I'm doing something around a house - not important. I am headed purposefully toward a mirror hanging on the wall in some carved, gilded frame. Just as my eyes get to the edge of the glass and I'm about to look at my reflection, I hear a voice that says, "No, he can't see..." Then the mirror shatters and I physically jolt awake. I'm now wide awake, no trace of sleepy.

Codeine...

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A Post-ComicCon Update
San Diego Comic-Con has come and gone; I think I picked up the con crud. :(

I'm working on a serialized story and have at least four different ways to begin. They all have their strong spots, but none of them are jumping out at me in a big way.

The main thrust of the first arc involves a group of tried and true heroes who are murdered. Their apprentices (for lack of a better word) are left alone in a hostile situation without a support structure and have to grow up fast. So the actual meat of the story is supposed to focus on the apprentices and how they come together as a group. Here are the various options:

A) The heroes are killed off over the course of four installments. This lets me set up the fact that these guys are a tight force and whatever is hunting them is just that much better, it lets the audience come to care about the characters, and it installs some suspense as to "who's next?" The pov would be from the apprentices' side as the mentors' plans continue to fall apart. But, it means that their storyline doesn't gel till late in the game.

B) I kill off the heroes in twos and threes throughout the first installment. This has both the pros and cons of A, but at a lesser intensity.

C) I kill off all the heroes in the first scene. This opens the series in a very active way, but doesn't allow for anyone to actually care about them at all. This option would have me giving some information through the apprentices reactions. And this does let me focus on the apprentices, who after all, are the focus of the series.

D) I kill off almost all the heroes before the book begins. The series would open just after the first fight - where bodies are strewn in a warehouse and three scrappy figures are trying to make their escape (one of which wouldn't make it).

I've been struggling with this decision for a while now... No closer to an answer.

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